3 squirrels eating peanut butter


Tom Robbins, that self-congratulatory shroom-addled writer of “clever” fiction for disaffected teenage girls once said, “There are only two kinds of people in the world: those who think there are two types of people in the world, and those who know better.”

People love to put people into boxes. Dating sites and voting are both based on this. In America, you’re either a D or an R in the booth, and couples are randomly thrown together based their favorite food and music. But it’s bunk. For instance, my wife and I get along great, but hate most of each other’s favorite music. We never would have met if we’d been matched by our music collections.

And who do you vote for if you’re into guns and limited government but also favor the legalization of weed, crack, speed, and getting a hand job for a fiver in an alley? Why should we pick “representatives” based on all the platforms of one or another group of senile-delinquent megalomaniacs?

People naturally divided the human pie up into neat little boxes. Astrology used to be a common method for this. I put no credence into it. In fact, I could honestly say that there are two types of people in the world: those who believe in Astrology, and smart people.

The “new astrology” is the Myers-Briggs test. This Jungian mess from the 1920s is suddenly getting pretty damn popular. But it’s meaningless. My Briggs-Meyers personality type is INFJ, which looks like it stands for “King of the Jews”, but actually stands for Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Judging. But people who know me know I’m not introverted. And it doesn’t mean I get along well with other INFJs. One of the few people I’ve met whom I truly hate is a fellow INFJ.

I’ve had people (usually hippies) take me to task for any attempt to put people into groups. Those folks usually complain about “Isms” being “false” and dividing the world. Somehow though, these people also usually believe in Astrology and angels. And Karma, while and often saying “Karma” when “Dharma” would be more accurate.

I think it’s a good thing to want to codify people into groups. It’s part of human intelligence, of being able to keep everything from happening in our brains at the same time.

For me, there is really only one test for ultimately dividing people into proper boxes: people who want to control others, and good people. I don’t want to hang out with people who want to control others, regardless of their Myers-Briggs type or their favorite desert topping.

Not all people who want to control others come off as “control freaks.” Many people want to control others by proxy. Good people respond to loud TV commercials by hitting “mute.” People who want to control others by proxy respond to loud TV commercials by writing their Congressman.

I vacillate between having great hope for the future and being pretty dismal about it. The biggest problem we face is folks thinking they need to be lead, that we can elect leaders to fix things. Most people think we have a broken system, but that it can be fixed. They vote for “the lesser of two evils”, but there’s always some evil.

Obama seemed cool when he was running for office. Like someone you might have a beer with. But after he was elected, he literally laughed when someone reminded him that he campaigned on decriminalizing weed. He said “I don’t think we’ll be doing that.” And then he turned out to be as much of a warmonger as Bush.

In other countries, they fight revolutions to throw out the tyrants, then have democratic elections to elect a different tyrant.

I guess I’d have to amend my original “there are two types of people” to say there are three  types of people: those who want to control others, those who want to be controlled, and good people. Because without those who want to be controlled, those who want to control would never have any power. They’d never get elected. No army would back them. No one would fund them with taxes. The emperor would have no clothes, but people would KNOW it, and laugh at his fat belly and tiny wiener.

People who want to control others are broken machines and cannot be changed. In a truly free world they’d starve to death or be shot in the face while robbing someone.

Good people can start out as wanting to be controlled because they don’t know better, but then learn the folly of it. I really think the most important thing people can do to “change the world” is educate others. Get up in people’s faces. Explain “the government gun under the pile of papers” that is every well-meaning law. Operate outside the system. Don’t try to change the system. They tried that in the 60s and the end result was a “hip” president who runs under a platform of legalizing weed, then after elected, laughs at you for reminding him of it. Then bombs a bunch of innocent people in Africa.

Two facts that are true: “every election is just an advance auction of stolen goods” (Also said as “politicians steal all your rights and money and give you back a little of both in exchange for your vote”), and “all laws are enforced at the barrel of a gun.”

“All laws are enforced at the barrel of a gun” is particularly important because it’s absolutely true and very few people notice it. Any law you can write or advocate, is going to be enforced by cops with guns. Even the “TV commercials are too loud” (which was actually passed recently), is enforced by guns. If some broadcaster broke that law, they’d get a certified letter. If they ignored it, eventually government agents would show up with guns to enforce it. If the person resisted, they’d get a gun to their head. If they resisted more, they’d be killed.

I’m always amazed at how people who want to use the government to “improve the world” ignore the guns. Peace-lovin’ hippies who want the government to make the world a better place ignore the fact that any new feel-good laws enacted will be enforced by violence, or the threat of violence.

When those kids were pepper sprayed in the face by that immoral pig cop at an OWS event, not many people saw the irony. People were protesting Wall Street and asking the government to fix it. But the truth of the matter is this: there is no purer representation of  “The Government” than a cop pepper spraying a bunch of non-violent kids.

If everyone who believes strongly in gun rights and everyone who believes strongly in pot rights would all quit feeding the immoral beast of government, we could get some real change for the better. Because there’s no such thing as “half-free.”

If you want a picture of the future of government, imagine a cop pepper-spraying kids in the face, forever.

–Michael W. Dean


  1. “All laws are enforced at the barrel of a gun” is particularly important because it’s absolutely true and very few people notice it.”

    I often wonder how many actually notice it but choose to ignore it because the impact of laws has minimal effect on their lives. It’s much like a slave who exclaims, “but my master never whips me.”

  2. Michael, this is excellent. It’s like a distillation of everything you talk about on the podcasts, in a brief article. I am going to share this around.

  3. Excellent, Michael. I sincerely hope that the majority of those who wish to be controlled can actually be shown that the best one for the job is THEMSELVES.

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